The Only Thing Between You and a Great Relationship

This week, I'm celebrating 35 years of dating my partner and 21 years of marriage.

Like many long-term relationships, we've experienced our ups and downs - moments when it feels like we're soulmates destined to stay together forever - and other times where it feels like everything could fall apart. 

What’s fascinating is how real both experiences feel in the moment. When it’s great, it’s friggin G.R.E.A.T.! And when it’s not, well, it’s really NOT.

And it’s not just at home. Professional relationships work the same way. One moment you feel respected and appreciated and the next you're on the brink of getting fired!

Noticing this peculiar—but incredibly common—phenomenon changed everything for me. When I realized how much my experience of relationships was shaped by my own thinking in the moment, my entire understanding  shifted. And as my understanding changed, so did my relationships.

Let me explain. 

For a long time, I believed all my thinking about my relationship.

When I thought my relationship was great, I truly believed it was. In those moments, I could easily find evidence to support why it felt that way. 

On the other hand, when I believed my relationship wasn’t working, and found myself complaining about things my husband was or wasn’t doing, I genuinely felt that it was struggling. I could point to all the issues that seemed to need fixing. 

It’s a bit like wearing different pairs of glasses throughout the day.

When I thought my relationship was great, it was as if I was looking through rose-tinted glasses. Everything seemed warm, loving, and full of possibility, and I could easily find evidence to support why things felt so good. 

But when my thinking shifted and I believed my relationship wasn’t working, it was like I’d put on cloudy or cracked glasses. Suddenly, all I noticed were the flaws and problems—I could point to all the things that needed fixing and felt justified in my complaints. 

The relationship itself hadn’t changed—only the lenses I was looking through. My experience, my emotions, and even the “evidence” I could find all shifted with the glasses I was wearing in that moment.

I really “got this” when I noticed that my feelings and assessments could change in an instant.

I could be thinking my relationship was on the rocks, and then a pleasant thought would pop up and change everything. All the evidence I’d gathered moments before suggesting we were headed for divorce would vanish.

Similarly, I could think my relationship was great, and suddenly something would occur to me that made it seem like things weren’t working. All the proof of how wonderful things were just moments before would disappear.

How could this be? How could my assessment change so quickly?

As best I see it, we’re creating our reality from the inside out through our thoughts. When good thoughts come up (rose-tinted glasses), we conclude things are going well. When not-so-great thoughts arise (cloudy glasses), we presume things are shaky.

But how is our relationship really doing? How do we evaluate our relationships?

I believe this is a pointless question.

If our assessment of our relationships can shift so easily from moment to moment, how can we confidently trust the thoughts we have about them? I don’t believe we can.

This was beautifully described by my coach’s wife, who pointed to what she calls “the divorce thought.” Every now and then, she finds herself thinking she should get a divorce. At first, she took this thought seriously, believing she and her husband (my coach) needed to fix or improve their relationship. But as she learned about the inside-out nature of our experience, she began to take this thought much less seriously. Now, when it arises, she simply recognizes it as a passing thought—something she can let go of, with nothing that needs to be done.

This is radically different from the typical couples therapy approach of “working on your relationship,” and I believe it highlights a deeper truth:

that the quality of our relationships depends less on fixing external issues and more on how we relate to our own thoughts and feelings in each moment.

So what are the implications of this for our relationships at home and at work?

If our evaluations can’t be trusted, and “working on” our relationships mostly keeps us focused on the negative perceptions, what are we to do?

Enjoy them.

This isn’t to say there aren’t times when we might choose to leave a personal relationship or a job. Of course not. We always have the freedom to make choices about our lives and who we want to be with.

But as I see it, the wisest decisions come from a settled, peaceful mind—not from moments when everything looks hopeless or frustrating.

From that calm place, there’s nothing that dictates we must stay or go; we simply see more clearly what makes sense for us. Sometimes that means leaving, sometimes staying—but it’s not about the fleeting assessments that come and go with our thinking.

Here’s a thought experiment:

Notice how often your assessment of a particular relationship shifts. Notice if you’re holding onto certain thoughts about a relationship, and see if you can make a case—with real evidence—for the opposite view. You're simply raising awareness about how the mind works.

And the big takeaway for that one relationship that means the world to you?

Enjoy it. Maybe the only thing you ever really need to do is enjoy your time with that person, trusting that beneath all the passing thoughts and feelings, there’s a deeper well-being and connection always available to you.

So next time your mind tells you a story about your relationship—good or bad—remember: it’s just the weather passing through. The sky of connection and well-being is always there, waiting to be enjoyed.