RESOLVE CONFLICT BY DEVELOPING THIS ONE SKILL
One of my go-to resources for Conflict Resolution is Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication (NVC). I recommend you pick it up if you find yourself faced with persistent conflict that you want to resolve.
The book introduces us to a simple process that allows us to listen in a way that has us understand the root issue and allows us to communicate effectively using the 4 components Rosenberg describes in detail.
The 4 Components focus our attention on:
The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being
How we feel in relation to what we observe
The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
For the process to work, we must observe without evaluating actions, identify feelings in ourselves and others, uncover the need at the root of the feeling and, clearly request what we need with positive language.
Before we dive into any process, when it has to do with conflict resolution, "creating a connection between people is the most important thing". This is the first step in any conflict resolution process. How you go about doing that requires you to let go of the disagreement for a moment and connect as human beings, partners, friends, colleagues - whatever the situation may be. You don't have to love each other, however some level of care and consideration for the other person is a necessary prerequisite to move things forward in a positive manner. Always start with the connection and look to build a minimum foundation before anything else.
Now, let's get into the one skill that will help us resolve any conflict.
The first skill is to develop our ability to uncover our and the other person's unmet needs. Rosenberg makes the case that as humans, in addition to physical needs like air, water, food and rest, we also have "psychological needs such as understanding, support, honesty, and meaning". We often get needs confused with strategies, analysis and diagnosis. Needs are none of these - they are not connected with people nor with actions. For example, a need may include your desire for appreciation, connection, respect or inspiration. In the book, Rosenberg lists several human needs that we all desire.
When developing this skill, we learn to translate any message into an expression of a need. It would be simple if we all were trained to recognize and express our unmet needs. However, we're not taught to communicate this way. We often resort to accusations, judgements, and labels - strategies that grow conflict rather than resolve it.
"The message might take the form of silence, denial, a judgemental remark, a gesture - or hopefully, a request." Whatever the message, our work is to practice and evolve our ability to recognize an unmet need even when one is not overtly expressed.
Ask yourself, what is the underlying need that is going unmet?
You don't have to be right, simply guess and check it out with the person. Listen with curiosity for the psychological need that the person is yearning for. With your own feelings, do the same. Ask yourself, what is the need that is going unmet? What am I wanting (in terms of psychological needs) that I am not receiving? What is underneath my feeling? What is missing? Remember a need does not involve a particular person or action.
Once we are able to identify the unmet need and clearly and accurately express our own as well as the other person's needs without judgement and analysis, we are in a good position to start coming up with strategies to meet these needs. This part is easy once we've accomplished the hard work of uncovering unmet needs.
Best,
Lisa
Lisa is an Executive Coach, Founder & CEO of LDR Leadership Labs. For more from Lisa, join the LDR Leadership Community on LinkedIn at: www.linkedin.com/company/ldrleadershiplabs and sign up for the LDR Insiders Newsletter here.