Leading Fearlessly

This past weekend, my son and I went on our first mother son trip. We decided to go away for a short weekend getaway to St. Louis to catch a hockey game. 

On our flight from Toronto to St. Louis we experienced quite a bit of turbulence. At first, I was fine with it but as it went on and got more intense, I started to feel fear. I looked over at my son who was happily watching his show on his iPad. He looked at me a few times, smiled and looked back at his screen.

We were on the same plane, experiencing the same turbulence and having widely different experiences. 

A PIVOTAL MOMENT WAS WHEN MY SON, SENSING MY ANXIETY, CASUALLY REMOVED HIS HEADPHONES AND ASKED, 'ARE WE OKAY?'

I smiled and said, yup, we’re fine.

In that moment I realized, we were ok. I felt a sense of calm come over me. After a few additional minutes of turbulence, things settled, and our trip was amazing.

Looking back on the experience, two things stand out.

First, my experience of turbulence was very different from my son’s. While I thought of the potential deadly end to our trip and how scary it would be to crash, he happily watched his show and made no meaning of the turbulence. It was entirely neutral for him. He noticed the turbulence, and simply kept watching his show.

Further, I noticed that my fear came and went - it wasn’t consistent. When my son looked at me and asked, “are we ok”, something shifted in me, and I knew we were. The fear that had moments earlier grasped me tightly, disappeared. In reassuring my son and focusing on him, I reassured myself. The turbulence was still happening, but my experience shifted. 

Why?

For one, my focus changed, and as it did, my fear changed with it. If I focused on my scary story, I felt fear.  When I didn’t, the fear subsided. The fear wasn’t coming from the turbulence, the fear was coming from my doom’s day scenarios. When I wasn’t thinking about how I was going to die a sad and scary death, I was entirely fine. 

As soon as my attention went to something else, I was calmer. I was no longer trapped in the story of what might happen. I could see my thoughts for what they were, simply fear based thoughts, and with this realization the fear subsided.

WHAT’S SO INTERESTING ABOUT THIS IS THAT WE THINK THAT WE ARE AFRAID OF THE THING THAT IS HAPPENING, IN THIS CASE TURBULENCE, BUT THAT’S NOT TRUE. 

Turbulence is neutral. It only holds meaning when we give it meaning, when we make up stories about what might happen next.

And this is true in so much of leadership. 

For leaders they fear not doing enough, projects not working out, getting fired, not having enough time, being in the wrong role… the list of possible fears is endless.

And many hold onto these fears believing that the fear is what keeps them safe, attentive to possible threats and “on their game”. 

Oddly enough, FEAR IS THE DISTRACTION THAT STANDS IN THE WAY OF THEM ACCESSING THEIR FULL CAPACITY.

It’s what diverts their attention from seeing what is happening around them. It induces stress, diminishes motivation, and negatively impacts performance. 

I find this very helpful to see. 

WHEN I SEE THAT FEAR IS A FELT SENSE ONLY PRESENT WHEN I ENGAGE WITH A STORY THAT IS PLAYING IN MY HEAD, IT LOOSENS ITS GRIP ON ME. 

When I see that it serves no useful purpose, doesn’t feel great and that I ultimately choose whether to engage with it, my experience changes. 

This is the beginning of leading fearlessly.