HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT AT WORK
Conflict.
We all experience it in different aspects of our lives - with friends, family and colleagues, even within ourselves. When we're young, we're taught to play nice, to be polite and to not ruffle feathers. As a parent to three kids, I hear it all the time and am guilty of saying these words to my own children.
I wonder, however, whether this is in fact how we should be socializing our children - to play nice. Is this truly in their best interest? Is this an approach that prepares them well for their life ahead? Does this develop in them the necessary skills to deal with conflict in the future?
I'm inclined to say no.
This sentiment, while offered with the best of intentions, leads to a tendency to please others, avoid conflict at all costs and creates an adult that fails to learn the necessary tools to face and handle difficult situations.
I see this often in my coaching sessions with executives and leaders that raise issues with their boss, colleagues and teams and yet do not table them directly with the person in question.
I see this with friends and family that complain about others and have no intention to address these concerns in an open and constructive way.
And yes, I catch myself in these ingrained and socialized patterns as well. In part, because I too was taught to be nice, polite and proper, and in part because it is much easier to complain than to approach the individual that we have the issue with and show up in a way that allows us to have an honest, productive and collaborative conversation.
I have watched as people "play nice" in front of the person they have an issue with, and then moan, protest and make a fuss when the person leaves. What is the point of this? Are we any better off by playing nice? Is this relationship any stronger? No. We're simply feeding an unproductive cycle of complaint, avoidance, complaint, resentment, complaint ...you get the idea.
In corporations, similar in our families and communities, we need to develop the skills that help us face conflict, controversy and difficult situations effectively. If we don't learn these skills as children, we must learn them as adults. Must, only if we want to complain less, build stronger relationships and create a life (both personal and professional) that is real, authentic and human.
If you're comfortable in the complaint cycle, that's certainly a path you can continue to choose as well.
If, however, you want to resolve this conflict know that "in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" - Albert Einstein
6 Reactive Tendencies that Keep us in Conflict
Operating from Our Glorious Egos: Our ego gets in the way of connecting, but only always. When we try to protect ourselves, save face and be right, it stands in the way of building strong relationships. When we operate from our ego, we awaken the ego in the other person and our egos position themselves to WIN, not connect.
Finding a Compromise Instead of Alignment: We are taught to compromise in relationships and disagreements. I don't believe that compromise is the best way forward. Compromise often means that neither you nor the other person gets what they desire and both parties walk away unhappy and resenting the solution. Finding alignment instead is a better option and is covered in more detail below.
Pleasing Others: Pleasing others in order to avoid a difficult conversation is not an act of kindness. We are socialized to avoid conflict and yet we are no better off by doing so. We please, in order to protect ourselves and believe we are securing our acceptance. I get it. It's risky and vulnerable to ask for what we want. And yet, there is a cost to always pleasing - the cost, I have found, is a lifetime of superficial, untrusting and convenient relationships.
Holding Back Our Truth: Too often I talk to leaders that feel alone, lack a support network and are exhausted from "playing the game". Being ourselves does not mean that we show up to our best friend's birthday party the same way that we do to a Board meeting - in both instances, however, we can show up in a way that is true to who we are and who we want to be at our core within the context we find ourselves - not based on what we believe others expect from us. Holding back our truth is denying what will allow us to make progress and truly connect.
Creating Distance Rather than Staying Engaged Even When It's Hard: One of the hardest things to do in relationships and especially in conflict is staying. Staying engaged, staying open, staying in conversation long enough so that something new can emerge. We all run away at some point - either physically or figuratively. NO judgement. The idea is that we notice when we are doing so and come back to re-engage so that we can move things forward. Even when we ultimately know that we will move apart - we can still engage and bring things to a close with integrity and honesty. Stay is one of the most important leadership lessons I have learned.
Unwillingness to Apologize for Our Part: Apologizing can be hard, especially when we are 'certain' that we are right. The truth is, there is no right (this is where my husband would roll his eyes). There is never only one way to see things. There are multiple ways, always. Our jobs is to simply look for our part in the conflict and apologize for that. Don't do it to appease or please the other person, do it from an honest reflection of the role you played in the conflict and your genuine urge to move things forward.
"Conflict cannot survive without your participation." - Wayne Dryer
4 Creative Competencies for Stronger Relationships
Design a Powerful Alliance: This is a familiar concept for anyone in the coaching world and not as common outside of it. It involves designing relationships in an intentional and thoughtful way and planning how we want to be together in the good times and when it gets difficult. This is how relationships are started and maintained - by continuously going back to the designed alliance and adding to it as things come up in the relationship. It involves putting our assumptions on the table, creating powerful agreements and committing to talking things through, especially when things are uncomfortable.
Topics to Cover in your Designed Alliance:
What can your partner/team count on you for?
What will you commit to one another?
What atmosphere do you want to create together?
What will help the partnership thrive?
What will you do when things are difficult? (Define your conflict protocols)
Consider the Relationship's Viewpoint: Typically, when we are in conflict with someone else, we defend our position adamantly. What we tend to do in coaching sessions is to consider, in addition to the other person's perspective, the viewpoint of the relationship itself.
When you place yourself in the position of the relationship between the two people, what do you see? What does the relationship feel when it looks at the two people in conflict? What does the relationship know that the two people do not? What does the relationship need from them as a pair? Considering the relationship allows you to look at the perspective of the system rather than the individuals alone. This is a perspective with rich information on how to move forward and what is needed. In addition to taking the other person's perspective, try taking the perspective of the relationship itself and see what comes up for you.
Find True Alignment, Not Compromise: Alignment means finding common ground - joint values, outcome, experiences that can become a starting point to create a solution. This is not about compromising what you want. It's about finding the place where you and the other person genuinely and whole heartedly are aligned. For this to work, you must first commit to resolving the issue without blame and understand why a resolution is important to you. From there you ask yourself, what do you both already agree on? Once you've uncovered where you align, begin to brainstorm some new possible solutions from this place. Not compromises where you feel you're giving something up - new, jointly created paths forward. Your objective is to meet everyone's needs fully!
Make Clear Requests: If you have a complaint or disagreement, chances are that you also have an unmet request. To resolve issues, clearly define what your request is and be open to listening to what the other person's request might be as well. Don't agree to things that you genuinely don't want to simply to please the other person. Be reasonable and open enough to agree to requests that in your heart and gut you know are doable and reasonable. With your own request, be clear and concise. Make a reasonable request with language that is positive and will be heard by the other.
Best,
Lisa
Lisa is an Executive Coach, Founder & CEO of LDR Leadership Labs. For more from Lisa, join the LDR Leadership Community on LinkedIn at: www.linkedin.com/company/ldrleadershiplabs and sign up for the LDR Insiders Newsletter here.