Why trying to clarify doesn’t work

Seeking Alignment: A More Effective Approach to Conflict Resolution

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument, desperately trying to explain your side of the story? You meticulously recount every detail, hoping that if you could just make your point clearer, the other person would finally understand. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. But here's the thing: this approach rarely works.

Recently, I experienced this firsthand during a disagreement with my husband about getting our son to basketball practice. What started as a minor issue quickly escalated, leaving us both frustrated and annoyed.

The Clarity Trap

Later, when we sat down to discuss the incident, we fell into a familiar pattern. I explained my perspective, then he explained his. I offered more details, he countered with his own. This back-and-forth continued, each of us hoping to reach that magical tipping point where the other would suddenly see the light and admit they were wrong.

Spoiler alert: that moment never came.

As we continued this dance of clarification, I had a realization. We were going in circles, each trying to convince the other of our righteousness. It was time for a different approach.

A Shift in Perspective

Instead of seeking clarity, we decided to seek alignment. We asked ourselves two powerful questions:

1. "What am I willing to take responsibility for in this situation?"

2. "What are we aligned on as it relates to getting our son to basketball practice?"

These questions changed the entire dynamic of our conversation. Instead of defending our positions, we started looking for common ground. We discussed what we could each do differently next time and found genuine areas of agreement.

The Power of Alignment

This shift from seeking clarity to seeking alignment is a game-changer in conflict resolution. Here's why:

- It focuses on common goals rather than individual grievances

- It promotes collaboration instead of competition

- It fosters active listening and genuine understanding

Putting It Into Practice

Next time you find yourself in a conflict, try these steps:

1. Recognize when you're falling into the clarity trap

2. Pause the conversation and suggest a different approach

3. Ask alignment-focused questions

4. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict

5. Create actionable agreements based on your points of alignment

Remember, the goal isn't to win the argument or prove your point. It's to find a solution that works for everyone involved.

The Bottom Line

Seeking alignment instead of clarity has been a game-changer in my relationships, both personal and professional. It's not always easy, and it requires a conscious effort to shift your mindset. But the results are worth it: more productive conversations, stronger relationships, and fewer unresolved conflicts.

So the next time you find yourself going in circles trying to clarify your point of view, take a step back. Ask yourself: "What are we aligned on?" You might be surprised at how quickly you can move from conflict to collaboration.