How do you handle toxic behaviour?

This morning I was told about some toxic comments expressed from people that unfortunately I am unable to cut out of my life. 

Here’s how I handled it. 

I told the person that shared these with me that I no longer want to hear about this. I let them know that the comments belong to the people that expressed them and so should stay with them. I don’t want to be included in the gossip cycle. I asked to be removed definitively. 

When the time is right and I am ready to come from a place of calm and creativity, I will share my heart openly and honesty with this individual. I won’t defend or explain. I will seek to understand. I share the impact that their actions and words are having. (The reality is the biggest impact they are having is on themselves. They create the negativity and they live with it. I will continue to surround myself with love, laughter, and positive energy and remove myself from dialogues that are not constructive or serving.) 

I dance it off! I get back into my body, give gratitude for the beautiful souls that continue to nourish me and this wondrous life I have the privilege of living. 

You don’t have to be sucked into the negative vortex. 

Remove yourself from the gossip loop. Engage with compassion. Find gratitude in order to move forward. 

For an effective communications approach, pick up Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Non Violent Communication, where he describes a process of listening and speaking that connects us and allows us to express compassion while dealing with difficult conversations. 

The four components of Non Violent Communication are Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. 

Observations – the concrete actions we observe 

Feelings - how we feel in relation to what we observe 

Needs - the needs, values, desires, that create our feelings 

Requests - the specific actions we request in order to enrich our lives 

Here’s what it looks like in practice. 

Instead of: 

“I’ve been waiting for you so long. You are always late! It feels like you don’t take me seriously. You need to learn to be more punctual!“ 

Try this: 

“It’s the third time this week you come to our meeting 30 minutes later than we agreed. I am frustrated because respect and keeping promises is important to me. Can we agree now that next time you will inform me that you are going to come later as soon as you know it?”. 

Can you feel the difference in these two statements? In both, you are being direct about what you don’t like, however the second is focused on facts, your feelings and what you need to resolve the issue. It’s more constructive and less judgemental. 

If you or someone on your team would benefit from learning an approach to effective communication, this is a great resource.