Why Are Relationships So Hard?
Have you ever wondered why relationships—whether at work or at home—can feel so complicated? Despite our best intentions, even the most promising connections often become tangled in misunderstandings, frustrations, and the exhausting feeling that we constantly need to “work on it.” As an executive coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand how these struggles impact happiness, wellbeing, and even career success. But what if the key to easier, more fulfilling relationships has nothing to do with working harder?
In a recent videos, I shred two transformative insights that challenge everything we think we know about relationships—and offer a new path to genuine connection.
The Real Reason Relationships Are Messy
We’re told that relationships are crucial to our happiness and longevity. In fact, the longest-running Harvard study shows a direct link between the quality of our relationships and our overall wellbeing. Social neuroscientist Matt Lieberman even argues that social connection is as vital to survival as food. So why is something so essential so often a source of pain and struggle?
The answer, it turns out, lies not in the other person, but in how we experience reality itself.
Insight #1: We Each Live in Our Own Reality
Most of us believe we’re sharing a single, objective reality with others. When disagreements arise, we chalk them up to differing perspectives on the same facts. But the truth is, each of us is constantly creating our own reality, moment to moment, through our thoughts and consciousness.
Think of it this way: you’re the director, producer, and star of your own internal movie, projecting your thoughts onto the screen of your awareness. The person you’re relating to is doing the same, in their own movie. No wonder we clash—each of us is living in a different world, even when we’re in the same room.
Once you see that reality is an inside-out process, misunderstandings make perfect sense. We’re not failing at relationships; we’re simply bumping up against the invisible walls of our own thought-created worlds.
Insight #2: Come In Clean—Let Go of the “Bag of Rocks”
The second insight is about presence. Most of our relationships happen in our heads—carrying memories, judgments, and stories about the other person into every interaction. This mental “bag of rocks” weighs us down and keeps us from truly connecting.
The game-changer? Drop the bag. Show up to each interaction “clean,” without dragging in the past or projecting the future. This doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries or letting people walk over you. It means responding to what’s actually happening in the moment, not to the identity or story you’ve built up about the other person.
A powerful example from the video below features a client who struggled with a bullying boss. By letting go of her preconceived notions and approaching each meeting with fresh eyes, she found that her interactions shifted—sometimes dramatically. She was able to respond naturally and authentically, rather than reacting to the “bully” she expected to encounter.
A New Way Forward
If you’re tired of feeling like relationships are hard work, try these two insights:
Recognize you’re each living in your own, thought-created reality.
Show up to interactions clean, without the baggage of past experiences.
Start noticing how often you’re having imaginary conversations with someone who isn’t even in the room. See how your stories and memories shape your experience of others. Then, experiment with letting those go—even just for a moment—and see what happens.
Relationships don’t have to be hard. Sometimes, the most profound change comes not from working harder, but from seeing differently.