Relationships are messy, complex and powerful mirrors into ourselves.

For most of this year, we have been living through a basement renovation that has tested our patience as a family and challenged us as we navigate delays, increased costs and unexpected detours.

My husband and I haven't always agreed on how to manage workers, the scope of the project or how to handle challenges. It's led to some communication lapses, misalignment and a few heated debates. 

While it hasn't always been easy, smooth or even productive, we've navigated this time with our marriage in tact and still kind of liking each other :)

(Kidding... I love the fella!)

Here are a few of the communication tools we used during these challenging times.

 Focus on the topic, not the person.

In coaching, we focus on the person, not the context. In marriage, that can be a dangerous proposition. When things get hairy, it's helpful to keep the spotlight on the challenge and not have it mean anything about the type of person each of us is or the health of our relationship.

Look for the places where we agree.

When we notice that we're going around in circles attempting to convince the other how 100% right we are, we stop and ask: "Where do we agree?" and restart the conversation from there. 

Consider what the relationship needs.

It's been valuable for us to look at our relationship as a  separate entity. Sounds strange, right? Consider this. When we do this, we ask "what does our relationship need?" This has led us to go for a walk around the block together, enjoy a cup of coffee on the porch and even take a few days apart - all of which were designed to support the relationship.

Hold things lightly.

Taking a broader perspective to look at the things that are going well and find the funny side of life is valuable. Word of warning: this can be very therapeutic, and can also be quite disastrous if you're not both in a light/funny place so tread carefully. 

Remind ourselves what we appreciate in the other. 

A quick reminder of the qualities we appreciate in each other and how we've supported each other in the past all bring us to appreciation and those warm fuzzy feelings. 

Look at the 10% truth.

While we may not fully agree with the other person, we can look for the 10% truth in what they've said. No one is ever entirely right or wrong, so consider the 10% truth and build from there.

Acknowledge the power of the whole.

Rather than looking at the parts or me versus you, look at what the entirety of the partnership brings. In this way we can see how we complement each other and cover each other's blind spots.

Be honest about what triggers me.

Taking full responsibility for my reaction and/or triggered state allows me to ask what is the story I am telling myself that has me react, rather than respond? What old wound is this activating? How is this similar to how I react in other areas in my life? What is there for me to learn about me? Now, please don't turn these questions on your partner/colleague, co-founder - that will only piss them off more! This is meant as a self-reflective exercise not a weapon to point outward. You've been warned!

Make a commitment to figuring it out.

We still have a few more heated topics to address before we put this project to rest. And, our commitment out front has been to navigate it together, learn from it and come out stronger than we went in.

I don't know how bumpy the path will be, but I do know that making a commitment to figure it out has already helped!