How to forgive
Let’s say I’ve innocently (or not so innocently) done something that I regret that I am being judged for. More likely than not, I was wrapped up in my thinking in that moment. I might have been telling myself some story about what was happening, worried about what might happen, judging myself, judging the other person, … I mean the possible thoughts that could be running through my head are literally infinite, but you get the idea. NOISE IN HEAD
As a result of “noise in head”, which despite popular belief we can’t control (influence possibly, control no), I’ve messed up.
Should I judge myself? No. Why not? Because it’s not personal.
Should I apologize? Of course. Why? Because you did do it.
Let me explain.
Getting lost in our thoughts is true of the human condition. We all do it at some level. It’s universal so how can we make it about us. It’s not an “us” issue. It’s simply how thought works. It’s random by nature. It happens whether we want it or not. And we have a lot less control over the contents of our thoughts than we think.
It’s simply part of the human design.
Now there is an element that is personal.
In the moment that we become aware that we are living and reacting from the experience of our thoughts, and not reality, it opens up the opportunity for choice.
In that moment, we can either stay seated in the movie theatre of our lives and continue playing out the scene, or we can get up and leave, realizing that the movie is of our own creation. We're the producer, director and writer!
Now for awhile I gave myself heck for the times I did react, but soon it became clear that giving myself heck (for anything!) was simply another movie and it did nothing to help me behave differently. I was simply lost in a new story. I could and should apologize for my wrongdoing, but any additional noise beyond that was not helpful.
This is not to excuse my behaviour or anyone else’s. We can still choose who we want to surround ourselves with and respond to whatever is happening in our lives, but we do it from a place of compassion. We do it with the understanding that sometimes we all react to the movie that’s being created, as best we can, given what we see in that moment.
It’s easy to forgive when we realize that we have much less control over our thinking and how we see things than we imagine. And as we grasp this more and more, forgiveness becomes a given, because we have understanding.
It’s not that we allow people to walk all over us or excuse every bad act we’ve perpetuated, but we understand it’s root. And understanding is compassion. And compassion ultimately is forgiveness.